Concept Awesome
I haven't been able to find much regarding aces and pregnancy and possible symptoms. I only have cis experiences to go off of and I'm really tired of people telling me that my husband is going to love the second trimester because of all the sex I'll want. I just feel someone who's an ace and been through this would be a better resource. If you know any that would really help. Thanks :).

Hi there.

Unfortunately, I don’t know of much about being asexual and pregnant—most of what I’ve seen is threads on AVEN like this one and this one, which may not be what you’re looking for.  I definitely know aces who have given birth, but none of them (to the best of my knowledge) have written about it.  Google isn’t helping either, as “asexuality and pregnancy” is turning up a lot of pages on parthenogenesis and virgin births.

Also, since you mentioned that you only have “cis experiences” to go off of, am I right in assuming that you’re trans?  If so, that adds an extra layer of complication (although Google is turning up a lot more meaningful results).  I do know a couple of genderqueer and/or non-binary aces who have given birth, but, again, I don’t know of any of them writing anything about the experience.

Anyone have any recommendations for the anon?

Hi, I've been identifying as demiromantic for quite a while now and I've realized I've liked friends (that I have a not-so-tight bond with) and I'm wondering if I can still identify as demiromantic?

Hi, anon!

Okay, let me ask you a simple question: Does “demiromantic” feel like a useful word for you to describe your experiences and attractions?  If the answer is yes, then you should feel free to use the word.

I’ve written about the difficulty in deciding the dividing line between alloromanticism and demiromanticism before, and I really do think that how you identify should depend more upon the utility and fit of the word rather than someone standing around with a ruler saying, “Oh, no, sorry, you are 1 cm too alloromantic to ride the demiromantic train.”  If you find yourself saying, “Demiromanticism means only experiencing romantic attraction to people you already have a close emotional bond with.  What that means for me is [one to two sentences on how it works for you],” then that seems like a good enough fit.  If you find yourself saying, “Demiromanticism means only experiencing romantic attraction to people you already have a close emotional bond with.  What that means for me is [seventeen pages of caveats including an appendix and five figures],” it seems like you’re spending so much time and energy trying to make the term fit that maybe you’d be better off with a different word.

Let me give you a weird analogy (‘cause I’m all about weird analogies):

It’s really hard to find clothes that fit perfectly (unless you are very lucky or have an army of personal tailors at your disposal).  Clothes shopping is often an exercise in finding articles of clothing that fit well enough.  Okay, it fits well, except the legs are slightly too long.  Okay, the length is good, but the shoulders a little bit tight.  I really like the style, but it doesn’t quite fit over my hips.  There’s no single metric to differentiate between “fits well enough” and “doesn’t fit”—it’s often a question of fit and style and whether you or your rad friend can alter it and whether the next size up/down fits better (or exists) and how much you want that particular article of clothing in your wardrobe.  

I think grey identities can sometimes be similar, especially since they are, by definition, somewhat ambiguous and nebulous.  Deciding on the dividing line between “fits well enough” and “doesn’t fit” isn’t just a question of pulling out your Handy Dandy Attraction Measuring Tape and saying, “Wow, gosh, it seems that my romantic attraction is 5 mm too short for demiromanticism, so I guess I better shop in the alloromantic section.”  I think it should be about whether demiromanticism is a good enough fit, whether it helps you to communicate, whether you have to spend more time trying to make it fit through caveats and squirming than the time you save by saying, “I’m demiromantic” rather than “I only get crushes under certain conditions” or “I rarely get crushes.”

Okay, anon, I hope that helps somewhat, or at least gives you some food for thought.  If you’d like more reading, I have a whole demiromantic tag as well as a linkspam on greyness.


The New England Aces are planning yet another round of panels, discussions, workshops, and general social stuff for Asexual Awareness Week this year. Come support us! Even if we don’t end up on the front page of Metro like we did last year, it’s still worth it to help get the word out!

Hey, guess what I’ve been involved in planning this year!

Amazing things we are doing:

  • a 101 panel
  • an asexual spectrum identities and relationships panel
  • a workshop for clergy who might have asexual spectrum people in their congregations
  • and a couple of other events that haven’t been finalized but I assure you will be AWESOME 
  • basically, watch this space descend into ALL AAW ALL THE TIME

If you would be willing to donate or signal boost, we would be greatly appreciative!  OR if you’d like to get involved, join us!  We’d love to have you.

(If you’d like to attend our events, just watch this space; you will be hearing a lot about them from me.)

This is approximately a million years late, but in the stunning conclusion (???) to the Wellesley aces saga:

Two aces from Wellesley showed up to New England Aces’ last meet-up, and there’s a very good chance that they were the aces my friend overheard in the dining hall earlier this year.

I didn't participate in the AVEN survey because you warned about the way the questions were phrased – thank you for that! – and I didn't want to put myself through that. And I'm sure I'm not the only one. So not only do ace survivours of sexual violence get silenced by not being able to talk about this in the survey, they also get pushed out of participating in surveys and discussions like these entirely. Just the assumption that sexual activity is always consensual can do that…

If you have feedback on the survey, please send it to someone on the survey team—nextstepcake​, aqua-ace​, and godlessace​ are all on tumblr, or you can email

This is the last ask I’m responding to on this topic.  Please don’t send me any more asks about the AVEN survey.  As sympathetic as I am to your concerns (as well as the concerns of the three other people who messaged me after I said I was done talking about the AVEN survey), I have no control over the survey.  The best way for you to affect change is to contact the survey team and let them know your concerns.

I am done talking about the AVEN survey.  In the past week, I have written thousands of words for both public and private consumption about this survey, and yet I feel like a lot of what I’ve been saying is being ignored, not the least because people have started reblogging my most recent post with tags about how terrible AVEN is after I explicitly asked them not to do that.  So I’m done.  I gave what assistance I could; take it or leave it as you will.  Just please don’t ask me to reiterate the same thing for the millionth time.

Thank you for writing about the problems with the survey. I had the same issues with it. Because the only sexual experiences I've had were nonconsensual, I said no. It felt like my status as an ace survivor was being erased, that I was being made to lie. Lie about it being nonconsensual or lie about it happening at all. Survivors should never be put in that position. And aces deserve to know the truth about our stats, how much danger we're in. I hope the next survey learns from this.

Hey, anon.  I’m sorry to hear that the survey also affected you adversely.  I’ve gotten a lot of messages over the past few days from people who were triggered or otherwise hurt by the sexual history section of the survey, so you are not alone (although I suppose that sentiment may be more upsetting than comforting).  Also, if you don’t already know about it, you might find some of the resources over at resourcesforacesurvivors helpful.  (I’m also going to try to put an asexuality and sexual violence recommended reading list together sometime in the next few weeks.)

I think the most upsetting thing about all of this is that pretty much every other survey design problem that has come up has been a case of them not realizing how intersectionality might come into play or failing to define terms or forgetting that corner cases exist.  But they didn’t forget survivors existed—they knew we existed and explicitly designed the survey to exclude us.  Someone made a conscious decision to only allow people to talk about their consensual sexual experiences.  And when a major community survey like this says, whether explicitly or implicitly, “We don’t care enough about aces who have experienced sexual violence to acknowledge their existence,” that doesn’t bode well for the treatment of survivors in the community.

I’ll join you in hoping that the next survey does better.

I had the same problem with the survey questions as they did not leave space for me to talk about either my sexual assault or my inability to determine whether or not I experience sexual attraction. I'm glad they are making at least some changes.

I’m sorry the survey also caused you problems, anon.  I know several people who are grey or romantically/sexually wibbly who had similar problems regarding sections on sexual/romantic attraction.  If you haven’t already and you feel comfortable doing so, I’d recommend dropping the survey team a line so that they have your complaint on file when they revise the survey for the next round.  If all of us pitch in on survey critique, hopefully the next iteration of the survey will be better.

I'm new to the ace community and I was just wondering what people's issues with AVEN are? (I don't know much about them)

Just a word to the wise: When someone makes a post asking people not to make a particular issue about AVEN, going to their inbox and asking, “So what’s this about AVEN?” is probably not a good idea.

If you’re interested in what people have to say about AVEN, I encourage you to consult Google (or your search engine of choice).  Or you could read this, which should give you a good jumping off point (and includes a variety of links).

Guess who’s spending National Coming Out Day at an academic conference!

*aggressively wears too much purple*

*aggressively barricades her closet door*