Concept Awesome
Asexuals Exist or Something, Says Book, But They Are Probably Sad Like This Cookie

By SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T LIKE FACT-CHECKING

PUBLISHED: 17:43 EST, 8 September 2012


Caption: Asexuals enjoy baking, but they don’t believe in heart-shaped cookies, and thus smash them in hate-filled rage.


Roughly 1% of the world’s population is ‘asexual,’ according to experts.  This means that 70 million people feel no sexual attraction to other human beings, which basically means they hate everybody.


“I don’t hate everybody,” says some asexual somewhere (age 23).  ”I actually like a lot of people.  I’m just not sexually attracted to them.”  


As the above quote demonstrates, asexuals suffer from a dearth of human emotions.  Asexuals don’t feel the need to form bonds with other people, and enjoy living alone in cardboard boxes in the woods.  A large percentage of them (74.3%, according to a study conducted in the UK) enjoy playing sad songs on slightly out-of-tune ukuleles.


“Asexuality is caused by alien waves from space,” says Anthony Bogaert, who is in Canada and also a professor.  At least, he probably said something like that; the Daily Mail included that quote and we couldn’t be bothered to fact-check.


Experts say that ‘asexuals’ are only now ‘coming out’ so they can recruit young, untainted minds to their cause.  Their ultimate goal is to give everyone diabetes from non-heart-shaped cookies, so that people stop having sex.


“There are a lot of misconceptions about asexuality in the media,” says illegally hot David Jay, the founder of AVEN, who is so attractive it makes us sad that he is asexual.  He said other stuff too, but we were too busy ogling him to pay attention.

Posted 8 months ago
1,548 notes
Tagged: satire, parody, no seriously guys this is fake, I made it to make fun of all the bad reporting on asexuality that happens, You have conflation of asexuality and aromanticism, Needless description of David Jay's physique, Non-related picture that somehow implies asexuals are sad, Misuse of apostrophes, Misquoting Bogaert, Saying all asexuals like being alone, Implying that asexuals have some sinister purpose behind coming out, Totally misinterpreting the asexuals the article is citing, Conflation of sexual attraction and love, Citing that Bogaert is in Canada and a professor but not bothering to mention what he's a professor of or where he works, Conflating asexuality and celibacy, This is what I do while half asleep, Sometimes I draw graphs and sometimes I write satirical articles, silliness, content warning: sarcasm, .
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  9. anthean reblogged this from southpawscopic and added:
    yep, this is still brilliant.
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    Okay how does this have so many notes?
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    Thanks for giving me my explosive giggle
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  24. fishifishy reblogged this from itsdeepforhappypeople and added:
    The idiocy in this post makes me laugh. Honestly. I’m asexual; I don’t hate anyone!
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    First time I’ve laughed at anything from this blog
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    A large percentage of them (74.3%, according to a study conducted in the UK) enjoy playing sad songs on slightly...
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  33. between-fact-and-breakfast reblogged this from queenieofaces and added:
    seriously guys this is fake, I made it...bad reporting on asexuality that happens, You...