By SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T LIKE FACT-CHECKING
PUBLISHED: 17:43 EST, 8 September 2012
Caption: Asexuals enjoy baking, but they don’t believe in heart-shaped cookies, and thus smash them in hate-filled rage.
Roughly 1% of the world’s population is ‘asexual,’ according to experts. This means that 70 million people feel no sexual attraction to other human beings, which basically means they hate everybody.
"I don’t hate everybody," says some asexual somewhere (age 23). "I actually like a lot of people. I’m just not sexually attracted to them."
As the above quote demonstrates, asexuals suffer from a dearth of human emotions. Asexuals don’t feel the need to form bonds with other people, and enjoy living alone in cardboard boxes in the woods. A large percentage of them (74.3%, according to a study conducted in the UK) enjoy playing sad songs on slightly out-of-tune ukuleles.
"Asexuality is caused by alien waves from space," says Anthony Bogaert, who is in Canada and also a professor. At least, he probably said something like that; the Daily Mail included that quote and we couldn’t be bothered to fact-check.
Experts say that ‘asexuals’ are only now ‘coming out’ so they can recruit young, untainted minds to their cause. Their ultimate goal is to give everyone diabetes from non-heart-shaped cookies, so that people stop having sex.
"There are a lot of misconceptions about asexuality in the media," says illegally hot David Jay, the founder of AVEN, who is so attractive it makes us sad that he is asexual. He said other stuff too, but we were too busy ogling him to pay attention.